Wow, I didn’t think it had been that long since I had written here.

I’ve been seriously taking a look at my life and trying to evaluate what is working and what isn’t. One thing I’ve concluded is that I’m awfully good at making plans and living in the future, but very poor at actually following through and actually living my life.

Sadly, the Internet has been a major roadblock for me. I spent way too much time reading about other people’s lives and wishing I could be like them, rather than getting myself away from the computer and working to achieve my own goals.

One major thing I decided to do was give myself a gift for my birthday last September and take a knitting lesson. I’ve wanted to knit ever since I was a little girl. Mom taught me to crochet easily enough, but since she absolutely hated knitting, she didn’t try very hard to teach me. I’ve tried teaching myself through books and videos online, but I couldn’t get the hang of it. I’m one of those people that needs to be shown something to really “get it.” A yarn shop in Aurora offers free lessons if you purchase your supplies in the shop, so I took the birthday bonus given to me by my employer, bought some wool and took the lesson. I was hooked.

The Internet did do one good thing for me. A community called Ravelry was launched online for fiber artists (knitters, crocheters and spinners) about a year ago. I heard about it last October, put my name on the waiting list and officially joined in early December. Through the site, I’ve met other knitters and crocheters in the area and finally got the courage to join a Stitch ‘n’ Bitch down in Parker. I’m finally getting some IRL friends with interests/hobbies in common. As Martha Stewart would say, it’s a good thing.

I also got the guts to ask my supervisor at work if I could switch from first shift (7am-3pm) to 2nd shift (3-11pm). After many weeks of stalling, he finally switched my schedule this week. I’m not, nor have a ever been, a morning person. I’ve been trying for well over a year (with no success) to get used to that schedule. I’ve been sleep deprived and irritable as a result. After two days of being on 2nd shift, I can already tell it’s going to be a better fit. The only downsides are that I can’t go to as many SnB meetings and Marcus and I will no longer have our Friday night date at Wing Stop (unless we go really late). I’ll deal.

I think starting tomorrow, I’m going to bring back my Daily Tasks posts. I’ve actually been accomplishing much in my day before heading off to work.

There is a girl at work I can’t stand. I absolutely loathe her. For a variety of reasons, she gets under my skin. I realize that I can’t change her and my best course of action everyday is just to ignore her, but for some reason, I can’t. I can’t figure out why I can’t just mind my own business, try to pretend she’s not there, do whatever it takes to get through the day without being angry and frustrated. I realized what a big problem this was yesterday when just the thought of her impending arrival time was starting to make me anxious and sick to my stomach. I had forgotten my headphones and ipod and knew tuning her out was going to be impossible. She’s a huge drama queen (to the point of distracting others trying to work) and management does nothing about her. This is when I miss having the file room to retreat to. It used to be my coping mechanism. If she got to be too much to deal with, I’d go file stuff to remove myself from the equation.

I know I haven’t written here in a while. I’ve been purposely staying away from the Internet when possible and trying to do some self-reflection and analyzing.

I’ve hit a real low point again in my life. Though I haven’t gained any weight, I’ve lost a lot of muscle tone. I split my pants getting into the car after work the other day and had to go to K-Mart to get a new pair. I’ve gone up a size…to the biggest ones they had (26W) and even those are a bit snug. If I continue in this pattern of inactivity and wallowing in despair, I’ll soon outgrow those. A walk up a flight of stairs at work yesterday left me breathless. Not cool.

I’ve only ever been this big and out of shape two other times in my life. It’s now time to finally do something about this.

I’ve really been pondering that Flylady email I referenced earlier about sidetracked people being perfectionists. I knew I was a perfectionist (it’s Virgo by nature), but I didn’t realize that one of the reasons I get so sidetracked and off task is because of it.

The point really hit me when I was at work today while cleaning and labeling the DVD cases that store the data backups I do everyday. After I spent five minutes trying to get hard tape residue off of a DVD case when there were piles of stuff everywhere that I needed to file, the point of it hit me. I looked at the stack of DVD cases I had in front of me and realized about 80% of them had this same residue on them. Was I really going to expend that much energy on something like that when the residue had no effect whatsoever on the case’s ability to hold a burned DVD. Really, who cares about a little bit of tape residue on the DVD case? I’m sure I am the only one who even noticed it.

It was hard, but I let it go. I’m sure that every time I see one in the rack, I’m going to be tempted to try to clean it, but I must resist.

This past weekend, I was trying to get a new dog. My life has felt empty without a dog in it and it seems that everywhere I go lately, there are reminders that I’m dogless. A friend had emailed me about a friend of hers that was fostering a dog that needed a new home. When I saw the picture, I immediately fell in love and knew I just had to have the animal. I emailed the woman back and forth and was to the point that I was filling out the questionnaire and gathering references when my friend let me know that he was an undisciplined handful.

I was crushed, but knew that no matter how badly I wanted him, having this particular dog was not a good idea. The old me would’ve continued towards the goal of saving the dog and been disappointed when it destroyed my things, but he new me emailed the woman back and let her know that I would have to withdraw my intentions to adopt the animal.

At least the whole ordeal was not in vain. It has strengthened my resolution that I need to get my ducks in order and get out of this mobile home park so that I can have another dog as part of the family.

I’m feeling a bit lost and lonely and I don’t know what I’m doing that creates this. Except for Marcus, I don’t have any real live friends. I have acquaintances, but no true friends. I have some friends on the Internet, but they can’t come hang out with me. I don’t know why I can’t connect or stay connected to people. Most people my age have kids and I can’t relate to them. I’m always the odd man out, the last to be chosen, if I’m even remembered at all. Lately all those old high school memories of being left out have come flooding back and I’m hurting. I try to reach out to people and I’m ignored. I feel invisible once again.

It’s when I feel like this that I realize why I’m 300 pounds, my finances are a joke and my house is a mess. I don’t have the will to do anything about any of this because “why bother?” Nobody is around to notice anyway. I’m just the reliable girl that does her job, doesn’t make waves and exists in the background.

I know that part of this is that I don’t know where my passion lies. If I found something to participate in that I was passionate about, I would find people like me. I’ve spent so much of my life being what I thought I was supposed to be that I really don’t know what I want.

An old friend from college (who is a little older than I) told me a few years ago that when I passed 40, my life would get way better. She told me that it’s like a magic age where all of a sudden the petty crap that plagues you earlier in life just doesn’t matter anymore. It’s when you start to discover who you are and really begin living life. You reprioritize (is that even a word?) what’s truly important.

Honestly, I didn’t really believe her.

Now that I’m less than a month away from my 41st birthday, I finally see what she meant. I don’t dwell on piddly stuff like I used to. I’ve taken an attitude of, “Hey, this is who I am. Take it or leave it. I really don’t care what you think of me.” I’m starting to find that stuff is less important than experiences (except for computer stuff, that is!).

Granted, having been blessed with finding a man that loves me and sticks with me no matter what has been the most wonderful thing that could’ve happened to me. I can totally be who I am with him and be totally comfortable. I am grateful for his strength and his wisdom. He truly is my soul mate. I pity women who are afraid for their fellas to see them naked or without their makeup. I can not imagine being in a relationship where you can not discuss things and have intelligent conversations. How sad that some partners can not even show their true selves.

I still have a lot of negative self-talk and chatter that goes on in my brain, but more and more I’m recognizing it for what it is and trying to let it go. I have lots of big plans for me in the near future. I’m finally beginning to believe I can make them a reality.