Todays weight: 300 lbs.

Well, I’m back to where I swore I would never be again. Seeing that 3 this morning was really disheartening, but not unexpected. I had a rough last couple of weeks. Instead of dealing directly with the frustration and anger or finding positive outlets, I moped and binged. I ate pretzels and cheese, cheese Pringles, M&Ms, Taco Bell…you name it.

I know that Saturn is currently in my sign of Virgo right now and it is supposed to push me to deal with stuff. One of the newsletters I get from Maria Shaw said, “Whatever is not working in your life, is what Saturn will bring to your attention and force you to do something about.” Well, he’s making it abundantly clear that I need to deal with my living situation, my weight and my finances.

I’m tired of having 4 chins, sleep apnea, no energy, snoring, poor physical health. I’m tired of living in an overpriced mobile home park with no garden and no dog. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck with no room for errors, bill collectors on my back and no means of taking classes to stimulate my mind. I’m tired of having a job that is neither interesting or challenging. I knew it would only be a short matter of time before I learned what I would need to know to do the job and then I’d be bored senseless – well, I’ve hit that point. I’m also having a hard time getting to work on time everyday – a sure sign that I’m sick of what I do. I’m tired of hiding from the world and not having any close friends. I’m tired of chaos and frustration being dominant in my life. I’m tired of being afraid to go after my dreams and of not having faith in myself.

I had a dream the other night that Bob and Jillian from The Biggest Loser were yelling at me. I can’t remember anything about the dream other than that, but if they’re in my subconscious I either watch too much TV or my body is trying to tell me something. I’m going with the latter.

Today’s Weight: 298.9 lbs.

Since my one goal/resolution in this new year is to get healthy (physicially, mentally and financially), it’s time to start writing here again. While I know that what the scale says is not the most important factor, with as much weight as I have to lose, it’s up there on the list but I am not going to obsess over the number. I’m just going to document my weight every Monday morning.

I saw some really shocking pictures of myself that Mike took at our Christmas party and I’m appalled. I have at least come to terms mentally with the fact that I am obese, but I didn’t even recognize the person in those photos. After work today, I will post one at the end of this entry.

I’m just getting over some crud I picked up a couple of days before Christmas. I had a really bad cough that led to lots of inactivity. I topped the scales at 301 lbs. during that time. Now that I can do a little physical activity without starting a coughing fit that makes me puke, it’s time to tackle head on this problem of mine that I have continued to bury my head in the sand about. If I don’t lose this weight now, I will die prematurely. Period. I want to look in the mirror and see my good friend back, not this stranger that looks nothing like me.